What brings families to fight and fall out over property, wills, probate or money – or all of them?

On a simple level it might appear simple for people to disagree over any of the above. We all have our differences of opinion, even within our families. But when you look closer it’s harder to understand how or why families can destroy themselves by these differences of opinion. Sadly the roots of the dispute can often go back many years, even to childhood, between siblings or parents at war. Sometimes the participants can’t even remember why they’ve fallen out it was so long ago. However the end result is the same: deadlock bitterness and stalemate.

What can be done?

The first and most important thing is to find a way to bring the warring parties together, either in the same room or at least in the same building. Often easier said than done. It is common for parties to refuse to be in the same room as each other. Also, human nature often hopes a problem will go away and then when it really blows up it’s often too late. But the earlier the issues can be identified with the help of a neutral, and then dealt with – the better.

Bringing the family together

If the family can be encouraged to get together with an experienced mediator, even if in the same building if not necessarily in the same rooms to start, there is a better chance that a resolution can be reached, with goodwill and hard work on all sides. As mediation is a voluntary process it sometimes takes parties many months before they agree to the mediation process.

In my experience, where parties are in separate rooms at the start of the day, because they don’t feel comfortable being together, it often happens that as the day progresses and there is movement towards settlement, the parties come together naturally, producing some extraordinary results, and even the start of a possible family reconciliation.

A family intermediary

There is often a family member who hasn’t been embroiled in the dispute who can help the mediator by being an informal go between. It is helpful for that person to attend the mediation to give both sides peace of mind.

Shuttle mediation

It is then common for the mediator to shuttle between the parties, until ideally a resolution is reached. A detailed examination of the negotiation and settlement process is beyond the scope of this article.

Staying in Touch if no settlement is reached on the day

Sometimes it’s unrealistic to expect a dispute that has been running for years, to be settled in a day. I stay in touch for 7 days after the mediation (or longer if requested) if a settlement hasn’t been reached on the day. Often when the dust has settled negotiations can continue and the dispute is resolved in the days or weeks ahead.

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