“Your work is shit” is a phrase that Steve Jobs is known for saying. When asked about it, he would explain that his colleagues knew how much he respected them and how

brilliant they were so they just needed to know what they were doing wrong.

Most of us wouldn’t want to hear feedback delivered that way. In fact, in certain contexts it might be considered bullying. But have we gone too far the other way? My work with teams, leaders and some family businesses suggests that we may be experiencing a crisis of feedback. It is not infrequent in my mediations to hear that people are struggling both with giving and receiving feedback. So much so, that I have started training people on it. If organisations had better training on feedback and having difficult conversations and built solid cultures of feedback, I believe there would be less serious conflict and fewer mediations. Where there are mediations, many would be far easier and less painful to resolve as the learning curve would be less steep.

I recently heard from someone who was shocked that a polite and thoughtful letter complaining about someone’s quite egregious behaviour had been sent to them directly rather than just to HR. You may be nodding in agreement with that but when did we start thinking that it was better to say things behind people’s backs than to their faces? I encounter a lot of issues with this in mediations. People have complained anonymously to managers who have tried to subtly pass on the feedback to the person it was about. That person then thinks that the manager “has it in for them” when actually, they are just the messenger but they can’t say that. So, the proverbial messenger gets “shot”. Or people saying “I don’t really understand what the complaint is about” as they have not heard it directly.

Having read The Coddling of the American Mind, I can’t help but wonder whether this is something that we are inheriting from Gen Z or iGen who, along with the generations around them, are influencing the workplace in some very interestingways. Some for the better and others not. Although we may need to wait for history to give us an overall verdict.

This goes beyond the workplace and is pervading our culture. For example, teachers in private schools now also have to be careful what they say in the children’s reports lest parents get upset that their children are behaving or doing less perfectly than they would like to hear. Given the fierce competition between independent schools, many of which charge more than the average British person’s salary for a year’s education, it is unsurprising that there is a lot of pressure on teachers to keep parents happy. But is that really what is best for children? It is certainly a far cry from Boris Johnson’s school report noting that “. . . Boris sometimes seems affronted when criticised for what amounts to a gross failure of responsibility (and surprised at the same time that he was not appointed Captain of the School for next half):

I think he honestly believes that it is churlish of us not to regard him as an exception, one who should be free of the network of obligation which binds everyone else.” Would you not rather know that about your child early on than not?

In the context of this article, there are two things to note from that quote:

1. It was unusual for someone to be affronted when criticised for something serious, and
2. School reports were direct and let parents know clearly where the issues were.

Is it a sign of the times? Is all feedback going to be watered down into insignificance? And if so, how will anyone ever learn?

Feedback is crucial to our development. We need it to grow. If you want to get ahead in your career, you should be wanting feedback. That is what is going to make the difference. Organisations that do well tend to have a culture of feedback, where giving and receiving feedback is the norm but they may be becoming rarer as people seem to get more and more upset if their feedback is less than glowing.

There is no learning without feedback. So why are we trying to stop it?

Of course, sometimes feedback can sting. And, of course, we want to be kind and respectful with our feedback. But when did kindness and respect become equated to not saying anything, to letting people live in bubbles of ignorance about how they can be doing things better? To hampering their growth?

We are so afraid of hurting people’s feelings that we are on the verge of being disrespectful to them and stunting their growth. In an environment where people do not routinely give each other direct constructive feedback, issues fester unspoken until they escalate to the level of more serious problems. What should be a small friendly discussion on a regular basis has grown into greater conflict that requires mediation and sometimes then working on team dynamics and culture change.

This is the opposite of the old adage “a stitch in time saves nine”. It means that instead of growing step by step, and becoming accustomed to receiving feedback so that they can continue to grow, people must grow far more painfully in spurts. They must either figure things out on their own or wait to fail at a bigger level and then go through a more serious process to point out their shortcomings. This tends to hurt everyone and affect everyone’s self-esteem and selfconfidence. It weakens people and weakens the organisation overall.

Far from being disrespectful, giving good feedback in a constructive way is respectful of everyone and deeply caring. Not only does it help people to grow their skills and capabilities in the present, but it also helps them learn how to receive feedback more generally and so learn to grow in the future. If we were to teach younger people how to receive feedback it would set them up to grow and perform better for life.

Giving and receiving good feedback also gets us out of the toxic perfectionism which is becoming quite pervasive and which covertly, unreasonably and destructively suggests that we should arrive in the workplace perfect and fully-formed instead of being the works in progress that we are, ready to learn and grow further.

Building a culture of feedback helps in a number of ways. It reduces serious conflict and friction, or at least makes workplace conflict and mediations which do arise less severe and easier to resolve. It builds a happier and healthier workplace with better teams, more trust and more communication. And it enables people to grow and develop.

The idea of a culture of feedback may seem difficult at the moment, as there seems to be a move towards erring on the side of making sure we do not upset anyone. As a result, there can be a lot of walking on eggshells. We need to avoid the situation where people end up in seemingly blissful but often quietly uncomfortable bubbles of ignorance about how they are doing and how they could do better. Particularly when they could be doing better and this goes unspoken, the whole team can suffer as other colleagues end up having to pick up the slack for people who are underperforming. Problems between colleagues do not live in a box. They affect the team.

Resentments start to build and the culture of the organisation becomes affected. No one is prepared to prick that bubble. They are too afraid of the consequences if they do. But they are not taking into account the consequences if they do not: a lot of unnecessary pain and conflict.

Even on a personal level, I would go as far as to say that assuming that someone is not significantly robust to hear something reasonable, measured and constructive about their performance is disrespectful to them. It suggests no capacity to get through feeling discomfort and repeating that assumption actively stunts their capacity to feel discomfort. It feeds into a false narrative about their fragility. It stunts their growth and actively makes them weaker.

You may be saying to yourself that we should just be giving positive reinforcement and nothing negative. There is good evidence that positive feedback is excellent and highly motivational. And it is wonderful when people can be encouraged. But we need to develop the ability to hear that there are certain things that we could be doing better. This for a number of reasons. First, and perhaps most importantly, not everyone is a genius wordsmith able to turn everything into an unadulterated positive and it is not an easy skill to learn.So, if we are to wait for that, many valuable opportunities for feedback will go untapped. Secondly, I’m not sure that only giving positive feedback, no matter what, always works.

The thing about feedback is that, delivered well and explained properly, it does not need to hurt much and the benefits soon become apparent. In good cultures of feedback, people realise the benefits for their growth and appreciate a happier and more effective workplace. Overall conflict is reduced and where there is serious conflict and mediation is necessary, it is easier to resolve as there is a framework of values and skills which can be referenced and drawn upon.

Coming back to the influence of GenZ. According to the Coddling of the American Mind, among other, the children of GenZ/ iGen have had less time playing together unsupervised than previous generations. Play is by its nature voluntary. It helps people learn social skills and how to sort out interpersonal issues for themselves. These generations are less able to do this and are more likely to appeal to authority. I think there has been a gradual move in that direction taking us to a place where people might now think that it is odd to let someone know directly that you have issues with their behaviour. We are all influenced by this. For workplaces to be healthy, this needs to change.

We need to build cultures where feedback is the norm, where it is expected and even welcomed. We need to build and rebuild this social muscle. This may initially be hard or uncomfortable but it is worth it. If you add to this learning to have difficult conversations and truly embed both in the organisation’s culture you will be “cooking on gas” as the expression goes.

Leaders in particular need to learn these skills. Numerous studies show that leaders and senior executives could benefit from better conflict resolution skills and even Brenee Brown says that what leaders need to learn most is how to have difficult conversations. Learning how to give feedback and how to have difficult conversations results in less conflict in the workplace and fewer mediations needing to take place. Ideally, it starts from the top.

Small steps in this direction can help but, ultimately, meaningful culture change is needed. We want to see cultures where people can move through conflict with minimal effort and have greater confidence and trust in each other. Cultures which fully embrace feedback and learn how to give and receive it do that. Such cultures will also naturally needed for diverse people to work together well and produce outstanding results. They will be great places to work.

I have been working with UCL to provide free resources to students and the public to develop the skills to have difficult conversations and disagree well. Those resources could be a good first step.

I am seeing too many mediations where people have been torn apart when the pain and suffering could have been avoided if they were better able to give and receive feedback and have better conversations. I hope that this will change.

Mia a mediator, facilitator and coach, she works with leaders, teams and family businesses to help them thrive. She is also working with UCL teaching an online skillsbased course on how to disagree well. For more information see her YouTube channel (https://www.youtube.com/@miaforbespirie5289) and you can connect with her on LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/miafp/).

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